Time to Terminate

Does that watch have a sun dial?

In an article by, of all sources, Yahoo’s News Blog, the topic of  politicians, and the public in general, using Twitter is discussed.  This ridiculous still image from a video of the Terminator Gov talking about the deal to tackle the $26 BILLION budget deficit in CA raised some eyebrows due to not only the silly props (knife) but also the medium used (Twitter).  It seems obvious to me, if you dive like a hawk onto a defenseless field mouse, which equals the Gov’s mental level that with the knife he’s saying, “I’m planning some big budget deficit cuts.”  Still…oh, what’s the point?  Government has become such a fantastical show that you have to view it with the same suspension of disbelief as you would a science fiction movie like “Men In Black”.

Also, what’s with the elephant fascination in the picture?  Is this guy the next Teddy Roosevelt without the brains or gumption?

I was already tired of Twitter after 19 posts on it but this article and the piece on NPR today drove the 140 character nail in the coffin for me.  I’m done using it, just like I was done using Facebook back in January (never looked back and never regretted it).

Ticket Lottery for Michael Jackson Funeral?

To begin, I’m a huge Michael Jackson fan.  THE only photo of me in my high school yearbook in my graduating year is me performing the MJ pose of yanking up my baggy pants and twisting up onto my toes with bent knees, head tilted down.  I began listening to and enjoying the Jackson 5 in the early 70’s.  “ABC” was one of my favorite songs as a kid.

Like most true MJ fans, I’ve been a bit dismayed at the craziness that has surrounded his life both personally and physically.  Most were shocked at his death, but after the initial sadness when I heard the news over the radio while driving along I-80 crossing over the Utah/Nevada border, I realized I wasn’t surprized.  It reminded me of Elvis’ death.  I was only 11 years old and in NY visiting my father.  He strolled up to my in the courtyard where he lived in Manhattan in that August afternoon; I was climbing one of the trees there and he simply said, “Elvis died”.  Like any memory in everyone, I remember things in photos in my mind, Elvis in white sequined jumpsuit, twisting youthfully to “Jail House Rock”.

It was the same with Michael Jackson.  I immediately envisioned him on the cover of “Off The Wall” (my favorite album).  For the next 8 hours of driving I listened to stations playing MJ songs and talking about his (death mostly) life.  I’m sad but not shocked by it all.

The lottery for tickets only surprizes me in that they aren’t selling the tickets.  With the immense budget problems (IOUs for repayments???  It’s like “Dumb and Dumber”), I figure $1,000 per ticket should at least cover LA’s budget deficit.  They could have a red carpet walk with “E” tv there, along with all the other paparazzi, just like the Oscars.  Seems odd that the poor and jobless residents of Los Angeles are going to have to pay for the police to manage the multitude of people trying to get close to the Staples Center.

Where are we going as a country and as humans?  Is this an example of our intelligence and sense?

simple appreciation.

“I’m moving to Alaska.  Do you want to buy any of my stuff?”  Grant, my college roommate asked.

“What are you getting rid of?”  I responded.

That’s how it began, my struggle with enjoyment of fine things, at least things I found to be fine, and my desire to live minimally.

Grant had a chair, a Charles Eames chair that I called, “the mushroom chair” (circa 1948).

I assumed he would be keeping all of his backpacking gear, so this is the one thing I wanted.  I ended up trading a nice watch of mine to which I had no real attachment.  Grant wasn’t dumb (probably still isn’t) and I knew that he knew the value of the chair, so I had to offer up something of equal value.  It would be the only thing I would take off his hands before he moved from Michigan State University to Fairbanks Alaska the day after we graduated, driving the entire way there in his beloved Ford Crown Victoria, which promptly died upon reaching Fairbanks.  Other than one letter from Grant, explaining the primitive cabin (no plumbing, no electricity, no heat) and temporary job (school bus driver) he found, I never heard from him again.  It’s been sixteen years.

I loved the chair, the shape, bent wood, stained dark, faded Herman Miller sticker under the seat.  The awkwardness of the chair is likely what attracted me to it.  I couldn’t sit at the dining room table in it, lest my chin would be at table level and about two feet away.  There are no arm rests on it.  I would sort of just have to ease back into the wide, curved seat until my back compressed into the leisurely-tilted backrest.  This chair is good for cocktail parties, reading, and smoking a pipe.

After college I lugged it back to Flint, Mi where I lived with my mom for a couple months trying to get my bearings and a job.  I landed a job with EDS (Ross Perot’s company that he sold to General motors for 700 million).  Many nights I came home to my apartment in Detroit and sat in my Eames chair strumming away awkwardly at my Seagull acoustic guitar.  When I moved to New York the only piece of furniture I brought was the chair in my Saab 900 Turbo.  My apartment was sparsely adorned, but cool as hell with my chair.  I dragged it with me again to Boston when I moved there, always taking up too much space in my car in an overbearing and inefficient way.

When I considered moving away from New England I somehow decided to part with the Eames chair.  My girlfriend at the time, the one I regret losing to this day, asked her father if he was interested in it and he immediately wanted to see it.  He bought it on the spot.  The second I pulled the car door shut after dropping off the chair and leaving his place I regretted it.  I don’t remember what I sold it for but feel that it wasn’t worth it.  Perhaps I could use the chair as an excuse to veil my reconnection with that girl I so stupidly lost.

I have come to realize that the fascination with this chair is an indication that I appreciate simple things, simple designs, simple living.  Life is uncomplicated with few material things.  The simplicity of sitting comfortably on something with few ornaments, no excess fabrics, no lace, or brass tacks, just bent wood, some bolts and rubber bushings on the seat and back for cushion.  Contentment through elegant function.

Hungry

So, since moving to Colorado I must say the opportunity to capture humans in cars and inane parking jobs is much more rare compared to the Southeast. I may have to pick up a new topic. I’m beginning to find humor in the activism I see here on a current basis. Not as much in Denver, but in Boulder, oh yeah. Just about every day I see great political bumper stickers or some sort of busy intersection signage and people displaying their beliefs and desires; everything from “Bush is a traitor” to “Cow poop is the energy of the future”. I hope the last one doesn’t catch on. Burning cow poop in a fireplace doesn’t really set the same mood.

Anyhow, I simply have been re-assessing the peculiarities of my new area and will begin exploiting those soon, just like I did with the outrageous driving, parking and vehicle selection in the South.

Careful what you do in public. Someone may see you.
-Time’s Passenger

White Lines? Where?

White Lines? Where?
Tim Long

Under urgings from overworked friends needing something to do in their offices while their bosses in their ill-fitting Belk Store suits drone on about office synergies and paper usage, I’m putting together this little collection of goodies…

To begin with the benign, here we have the apartment resident with out of state plates, after living here a year. He parks here numerous times a day/week/month, so you assume he would get it right eventually. I guess not, but he’s from New York, so I’ll cut him slack for not having it all upstairs to begin with. That, and his girlfriend (or whatever she is) always seems to get out of the passenger seat in her pajamas and a 40 oz malt liquor. Now I just feel sorry for him, and think he did a great job parking under the circumstances. heh, heh, heh.

Anyone who knows me knows what I think of people who drive Hummers. The great thing about Hummers is that I don’t need to comment on them often because they are so ridiculous, that they sort of speak for themselves. I could never be friends with someone who owns one. I can barely talk to a Hummer owner and keep a straight face. So, when I saw this dope picking up laundry, parked on the cross-marks and halfway in a handi spot, I felt like walking up to him and telling him that I work for US News and World Report and I was doing a story on the gas prices in the US, and that my angle was the gluttony of tools like himself were the second leading cause of this crisis (mis-speculation being the first). Then I’d laugh, tell him I’m joking, and smack him in the forehead.

“Hey, Champ, don’t mind that baby stroller on the sidewalk.” This nice maneuver I found at my favorite watering hole. Looks like this guy watered his hole beforehand. Granted, this small lot is often full, but the sad part is that there’s a full lot next to it (where I parked before snapping this shot). So, I surmise this person is stupid AND lazy.

Whoa Big Blue! Though I didn’t see this driver, I imagine he is one of those 17 year olds who live in Myers Park (a wealthy neighborhood in Charlotte, NC). You know what I mean; the ones with mom and dad’s old SUV and one of those comb down haircuts that make them look like penis heads (literally).

Yeah, not much to do with parking, but I thought I’d include it anyway. I had the fortune of finally going to an emergency medical center with a five day straight fever. It’s the first time I’ve been to the Dr. since, well, over a decade, due mostly by my dislike and frustration with the US’s health care system and insurance mafia. Sitting on the cracked plastic table awaiting my angel to write a prescription I was a bit surprized at the scarcity of supplies in the room. I think I saw a bug on the wall too. Wonder what he had.

Weird, Wild, and Just Plain Dense

Weird, Wild, and Just Plain Dense
Tim Long

It’s been far too long since my last entry, and I’ve witnessed and captured so many good scenes of bad parking, ridiculous vehicles, and many other odd things that happen every day, that my phone was full of photos. Alas, when I sent them all to my email, only four made it to their destination. So, there are six or seven great, silly photos floating around in some data line, waiting to be found.

Luckily, the four that made it through are wonderful and leave me full-of-wonder.

I’m not sure where to begin, so we’ll just start with the most common parking faux pas I see….
The “heavy nose” parking maneuver. A lot is going on in this photo that only a trained eye (and socially twisted mind) can appreciate. For starters, we have the “synchronized stop”. This is seen most commonly in parking spaces and at red lights, where one challenged individual has pulled too far into a spot or over the crosswalk at a light, and an equally challenged car pilot forsakes rules, painted lines, and even pedestrians to pull even with the already offending vehicle. This guy gets bonus points for driving a 1981 Honda wagon, a rare and coveted vehicle (if you’re a garage sale shopping hermit with 17 cats).

This next gem was given to me by my friend, Audra. I usually only use my own original images (since anyone could google search similar photos, but that’s boring and shallow). However, this is good for numerous reasons with the main ones being that it’s funny looking, and there’s a good story behind it. It seems Aud and some girlfriends went to a very crowded restaurant/bar while traveling and were forced to park in this spot, which was surrounded by other vehicles in similar situations (or so I was told). Well, after ten cocktails and a couple hours of appetizers, the ladies walked out to an empty lot, save for their off-road chariot. Nice job!

For this next genius, I could go on and on about manhood, insecurities, cranial capacity, IQ sufferings, and just plain bad taste, but I think the image speaks loud and clear…

I’M A LITTLE MAN WHO SITS ON A PHONE BOOK TO DRIVE.

This last (and best, in my opinion) photo was taken at our group run (our running club). Now, I witness handicap spaces being misused every day by people who don’t appear to need them, other than being lazy and stupid. But this is classic. This one is definitely not lazy or stupid, but absent minded a little?…well, maybe. The irony, of course, is that she’s healthy, active, and actually dressed and ready to go for a run (not to mention the handicap sign is as big as a highway billboard). I should work for National Geographic.

Parking Lot Bonanza

Parking Lot Bonanza
Tim Long

Just when my hope for catching some good photos of bad parking before this weekend was waning, I went out last night and found a gift (many, actually) from the bad parking gods all in one lot.

That’s my little white truck parked next to this poor fella. For me to park within the white lines, I would have had to be within 1 centimeter of his car. He’s either 1. drunk before he got to the bar. 2. chubby enough to need the extra room to get out of the driver’s seat. 3. blind.

Whoa mama! She (I saw the driver, and, yes, she is female) squeezed that big boat into its spot, though not so straight, nor all the way in. There was about 5 feet between the megatundra and the back of the parking spot. The thing could seat a small island tribe, but she drove it there by herself. Hope she enjoyed her dinner, because it must have cost her $30 in gas to get there.

Hmm. While walking an acquaintance out of the restaurant, we approached her car. I planned to be polite and spare her the indignity of being on my blog, but she insisted I take this photo. I’ve notice that people seem proud of their lack of parking ability (and it’s startling). Thank goodness there isn’t much need for parallel parking in Charlotte. There wouldn’t be enough server space to hold all the photos…

Here we have an incredibly rare image that I was able to capture after nearly dropping my phone in the excitement and rush of adrenaline at the opportunity of spotting such an amazing scene…the “Trifecta” (three mis-parked cars in a row). The guy in the SUV manages the skillful “equator” (splitting two spots down the middle). What goes through people’s minds when they get out of their cars, look back at them, and keep walking? “Wow, I’m a really bad parker.”

Now I can enjoy my weekend. I’ll be heading up to VA, so maybe I’ll catch some images of how “northerners” navigate parking lots.

White Line Wonders

White Line Wonders
Tim Long

Thank goodness for digital cameras. If I had to develop all the shots I take of half-witted driving and parking maneuvers, I’d be poor. I would like to get a dash-mounted camera for the action shots of dopes driving. I quit road cycling for the sole reason that I’m scared of the way people drive now. Cell phones, texting, music selecting, taking photos, no one seems to drive as the primary function while in the car anymore. I saw a guy spin his truck off the highway entrance ramp and into the ditch the other day. There was not another car near him.

Here my theory of human herding instincts is captured. One guy parks ridiculously, so another guy pulls up next to him and manages the “quatro” by taking up four spots. Why? Maybe I’m odd (okay, I’m odd, that’s established), but I couldn’t imagine wanting to park my vehicle like this.

Here we have the rare night shot. this is one of those dudes who picked himself up an old Mercedes with 400 million miles on it, and thinks he’s something special because he’s driving a car that costs $60k….two decades ago. He buys his dress shirts at Walmart for $12, then spends $20 a month getting it dry cleaned.

“It’s the shopping carts! Oh my god, the carts!” If you’ll notice, there are plenty of spots open. Why would you 1. park next to stray shopping carts? and 2. pull a near quatro trying to avoid them? Is that his assigned spot? If I owned a tow truck, it would be a blast to move this car to another spot (parked correctly). Knowing which town this shot was taken, the owner would likely believe aliens moved it.

Unfortunately, I take all these shots with my phone, so the details in this photo will need narration to enable proper understanding, entertainment, and appreciation.

First, where are we going with those tires? I would guess he lives on a remote farm and has to navigate a long, rugged, muddy, mountainous driveway to get home, though, considering the vehicle is spotless, it’s doubtful. As we move to the roof, there are the following items: A red emergency mountain shovel, an ice mountain climbing axe, and some other weird tools I’ve never seen before (and I have actually climbed mountains). Also on the roof are 5 billion watt spot lights, just in case his head lights both burn out at the same time.

I was confused (as I always am) why there’s a very heavy duty winch on the front of this lovely, and useful, vehicle. I could tell by the shiny hook on the end of the winch cable that it had never been deployed, and thus, never used. There’s also a 12 ton gage steel battering ram protecting the grill. The whole package is topped off with a SCUBA diving sticker on the side window. When people put diving stickers on their vehicles, it tells me that they have the basic certification and have, at most, 3 dives under their weight belt. I can say this because I have numerous advanced SCUBA certifications with nearly 200 dives to my credit. I do not have a sticker on my car.

Fun little group of photos. I’m looking forward to warmer weather with sunny days and leafs on trees. These shots all seem to be taken on rainy days, and are a little gloomy, but funny non the less.

Please feel free to send me photos that you personally take of anything that illustrates that we have numerous rungs to go on the ladder of evolution as humans.
footfeathers@gmail.com

End of March Parking Specials

End of March Parking Specials
Tim Long

With spring approaching it’s difficult to pay attention to the white lines in parking lots. In my new hobby I’ve found it difficult to go one day without spotting a parking faux pas.

Here we have the, “My car is the most important thing in the world to me. My kids wear dirty, tattered clothes, but my (cheap) car is so important that I use four parking spaces to hold its hulking mass.” This guy trims his nose hairs daily. I’m not even going to comment on the semi truck parked in the background taking up 28 spaces.

Here the multiple dents in the doors say it all. This lady’s been in so many accidents that she backs WAY back into spots just to keep the front bumper from getting ripped off. Of course the back bumper was riddled with dents and pock marks worse than a greasy teenager’s face.

This is a friend’s vehicle. I snapped this hasty shot when I went over to her house. Her reply when I showed it to her? “Looks perfect to me.” ‘Wow’, is about all I can say. Move to Florida.

Another little occurrence in the warming weeks, is the growing numbers of exotic cars. Ok, the Porsche isn’t exactly exotic, but it is when it’s owned by a guy who’s annual salary won’t cover the entire cost of the car. I’ve seen numerous Ferraris, a bunch of new Porsches, and even a couple of Lamborghinis. It seems that I always see them sitting in traffic on city streets burning more fuel in two blocks than most people use all week. It’s always aging men wearing ugly (but expensive) sunglasses driving them.

Send in your photos to footfeathers@gmail.com

Mental Anguish & More Parking

Mental Anguish & More Parking
Tim Long

We had a scary rain storm late yesterday afternoon. I swore after the last time I was caught in traffic on the way to a meeting when it started raining and the highway traffic slowed to (no shit) 25mph. But, alas, I was already on Park Rd. when the rain began. I think people here assume their tires are made out of glass, because they immediately…

…apply the brakes. I miss driving up north where you’d slow to 60mph if there were blizzard conditions with 12″ of snow falling per hour.

This pic is blurry because everyone decided to SLAM on their brakes. No traffic lights, no intersection, no one turning, just brakes for the hell of it…

Oh, and here’s another great parking job. I like to align people’s parking habits with their personality traits. This lady’s parking job screams, “I’m pushy and nosy, and I will pry into your personal life.”

I’m having a great time snapping photos of morons with cars. It’s so easy! People probably think I’m some sort of insurance adjuster.

Happy driving, and if you’re scared of driving in the rain, please, by all means, stay off the roads.